First of all sorry for the english. It's just easier for me this way today. This post is merely a status update about me. It's been quite a while since I posted something personal here and there's a good reason for that. Actually I felt pretty messed up in the past few weeks, months. To be honest i still feel that way, and I just didn't want to write about it in public. Well I'm still confused about it, because it might look like a 'cry for help' thing but that's just not true. I'm not comfortable with putting my own weight on someone else and I tried to avoid that. But today, well... fuck it. This is my blog :D
So I know this might seem a bit silly and emo-ish (if that's a proper word at all) but I kinda feel lost. All these years in my life I always knew (or felt that I knew) who I was, what should I do etc. I'm talking about the "smaller" stuff, not the "what I wanna do with my life" stuff. And lately I just don't know these things. It really feels like getting lost in the woods. You walk down the road, confident that you know your goals, then suddenly you turn around and all you see is fucking trees everywhere and you don't know where to start walking again.
The other thing is that I've been having the craziest horror nightmares. I wont even get into telling them, exremely scary stuff. Many of them are connected to a place that's very dear to me but I couldn't go there for a few reasons for years now. Maybe that's the reason. I just suck in losing things. I hate the fact that someone or something enters our lives, we start to like it and then it's gone for ever. Yesterday I've got my first real six-string, and really played it till my fingers bled. And at the shop my mother asked me what if i will get bored with it? I said, then I'll sell it, and she started laughing! And she was right. I have never ever sold a single thing in my whole life. I still have all my mobile phones, my books from school, my pencil case from 3. class. and even the roller-skates I bought in 1997, even though I only used them for two times!!! I just like them around. Those are my things, why give them away?
And the same thing goes for my believes. For example: If I believe that the sky is purple, and after a time somebody shows me it's actually blue I feel betrayed. I know I'm not right doing so, but still. And it's the same with people. If I have a friend for many many years and I think he's a nice purple friend and then he turns out to be a fucked up blue asshole then I feel betrayed again. Blah. That's some nasty stuff I won't go into details. So these "my things" give me the confidence I need, but lately I seem to lose so many of these.
As many of you don't know I have a sister. Probably she's the only person on this planet who kind of gets me. I don't think that she understands me in 100% but most of the time she understands what I do. And due to many stupid circumstances we barely see each other and have a very limited chance to talk. And it just drives me mad. I really miss her, because these days, she's probably the only one, who could ease my mind a bit. Ahhh fuck it...
There's a latin phrase ex malo bonum. It means good out of bad. Well I'm really looking forward to the good part, because I'm quite fed up with the bad stuff. It seems that when something good happens to me it will get a million times worse. A while ago I went to a fortune teller (hmmm good first line for a blues song) and she said that this is the way my life should work. Like a step forward, and 1000 steps back. Because this will be a learning curve for me. Well thanks but I 'don't want my life to work that way, right now I want my life on vacation with a redhead angel with a butterfly tattoo on her butt whispering nasty things to my ear. I mean the redhead angel whispering, not her butt. That would be just way too nasty.
Allright I stop right here. If you dared to read till the end you realized why this post is called bullshit. I just typed down all the stupid thoughts in my head to get them out so they could let me sleep. And here comes the final ingredient of all "how i like to whine about my sucky life" posts, the slow ballad from youtube. Enjoy!
